The Beginning of the End, or the End of the Beginning?

The old bald guy in the hot tub told my friend and I that his kids have a curfew of 12 because "nothing good ever happens after midnight." One of the many insightful things he shared with us, yet I couldn't agree with him more. Which got me to thinking that, in general, most things go downhill shortly after they begin, and once they hit a certain point it seems that nothing good can come of it.

Exhibit A: Yogurt.
I think most would agree that the best part of eating yogurt is licking the foil top. (If you grew up with parents like mine, "waste not, want not").

Shortly followed by the bush league container contents that always seem to be just 2 degrees shy of being just the right temp.

And then comes the mental agony of not being able to scrape it all out. If I just angle my spoon like this... oh, got it, oh there's just a little more... (Ok, maybe that part is just me and my borderline OCD complex, or "waste not, want not")... but I swear the yogurt companies make the containers just narrow enough so that the suckers that try to get the last bit out get it on their knuckles and can never actually get the last bit out. They're out there laughing somewhere. I'd laugh too.

But in the end, the end is never as good as the beginning, and only slightly worse than the middle.

Exhibit B: Personal Email Accounts.
Each day, part of my routine consists of logging into my personal email account to check my emails. For some reason, when I log in, it shoots me out onto a cover page. (Why doesn't it take you straight to your inbox? Why Yahoo, why??!). It tells me I have XX unread emails. Wow! That's fabulous. I feel pretty good inside as I click the inbox link and momentarily hike over the top of the excitement curve. Only to find that 11 out of the 12 new messages are from the pizza hut... and other various email junk that I have a love-hate relationship with. The end, is such a sudden and abrupt halt to anything good that happened in the beginning.

Which brings me to Exhibit C: Junk Email.
I sign up for it, receive it, realize it's junk, but just can't seem to unsubscribe. I just can't take the finality of the unsubscribe link. They should really have a 'pause these emails' link or a 'send me only the really good stuff'' option.

In the beginning, it's the bogo coupon you get every Tuesday. Or the announcement of the presale for "select" email customers. In the middle, it's scroll through and look for any coupon, and then delete. In the end, it's a daily bombardment of 25 junk email newsletters reminding you that they cater lunch events and there's free shipping on all orders over $50. Also reminding you that the only friends you have that actually email you are blockbuster, pizza hut, rubio's, and pottery barn. Awesome.

Exhibit D: Your Toothbrush.
There is really nothing like the feeling of breaking out a new tarter titan. The first couple brushes are glorious. Like little purifying pixies came and scrubbed the inner depths of each tooth. Then brushes day 2 - 48 are run of the mill, intermixed with the occasional delight that your toothbrush is your favorite color or has that neato rubber grip. This is of course followed by the impending demise where the bristles are so far frayed out that the ends don't even touch your tooth and you're pretty sure your finger could do better work. Who freakin' cares if its purple. It's a worthless piece of crap. Yep, sounds like an end to me.


So in the end, which really comes right after the beginning, since the middle is the beginning of the end, we must learn to enjoy new things. Like a good meal, the beginning of anything is always the best part. Such is life, and is like life, that we are always trekking toward the end and forgetting how good the beginning was, and is, and will be.

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today" - or in the sense of this blog -

Enjoy the end as if it were the beginning, enjoy the beginning until its end.

Food Solicitation

Food is no novel thing. There are 2900 variations of the same product. Which is why food has some of the most aggressive marketing out there. And it works. Say you have a brand new cereal to introduce to the market. It's chocolatey, it's in pebble form, it's got a strikingly similar resemblance to Count Chocula's Cocoa Pebbles. How then, do you differentiate your product so that Suzy Soccer Mom picks your brand over the Count?

The 4 P's my friend. Peter Piper Picked a... oh wait no, the four P's of marketing: Product, Price, Promotion, and Place. These four words are the core to any marketing plan. Once you've scoured over the options, you're sure to corner a profitable market somewhere or somehow.

So your cereal, it's not a new product on the market. There goes the Product P. Price? Well, we're in this to make money. Like Kanye says, we are not working this hard to drive a Rav4. Dream big(ger). Not to mention that the generic market has this covered - they skimp on advertising so they can afford to lower price. So price cutting is out. Place. Well, cereal is sold everywhere and is eaten by the vast majority. Maybe we could market stronger in towns that have more children? Kids love chocolate sugary crap. Maybe, in stores that have traditionally more family based shoppers? That might work. Still not enough of an edge.

This is where most people end up. Aggressive and sometimes shameless (think Speidi and the balloon boy) Promotion. Although the FCC regulates advertising communication to some extent, that only protects the average person from blatant fallacious expressions. When it comes down to it, companies are free to put whatever claims they want on whatever type of packaging they choose, with minimal proof to back it up. Shoppers beware, if you care that you choices are being made for you.

The glitter and flashing lights accost me everytime I walk down the grocery aisle. Bright colors, big pictures (of what the food doesn't really look like inside), cartoons, exclamations, reasons to buy... etc. The average shopper, on an item that is unknown to them, is going to default to price, then appearance. Think of wine. You know you like merlot, but not really sure which brand? You go label. That's how I found my favorite Chianti, it had a picture of a knight on a horse. Reminded me of Cable Guy and Medieval Times restaurant. I buy it every time I buy Chianti.

But the trickery doesn't stop there.

The other day I was eating candy and I look at the packaging and was delighted to find that they were of the utmost standard, GOURMET, written right there, across the top so it must be true... I got them at the dollar store...

Gourmet, defined: "to involve high-quality or exotic ingredients and skilled preparation"

I guess the "high" in high fructose corn syrup stands for "high quality." Fancy.

Then comes the biggest farce of them all. The "fun" size. Why are small things more fun?
Little nuggets of bite size goodness.

Fun size. Mini bites. Things are more fun when they are small. You can eat more of them without feeling like a fat ass is more like it. It's the cognitive dissonance between gluttony and "it's only a mini bite."

(FYI, "Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously.")

So you hire an illustrator to draw you up his best chocolate pebble loving cartoon character, slap a "4 Real wholesome grains" exclamation bubble on the box, and post it up on the shelf next to Corny O's Wagon Wheels and wait for the shoppers to make it rain.

Signed,
An accepting victim of the food advertisement conspiracy/
Co-Founder of Uncle Krusty's Cocoa Rice Magic Bites

Oh, the view from the soap box is so great.

Yeah Utah!

In tough economic times, people and companies are beginning to think of ways to save. The state of Utah took it to the next level by mandating the 4 day workweek:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/ut_four_day_workweek

I was first introduced to flex hours a couple years ago. HR brilliance. Really. I'm not lucky enough to work it, but I knew someone who was. I would absolutely love working a shorter week. Heck, I'm here close to 10 hours a day anyway, and I have no one to care for but myself. I can see how it would be harder for those with children and families. Longer hours means more daycare, and less time spent together.

What Utah found out, however, was that the employees were happier with the new time structure (evidenced by this "expert" testimony):

"I do love the 4/10 and told my boss if they take it away, I'll probably cry," she said.

(Wow, thank you for that. Great report.)

But not only that, it also turned out to be largely profitable for the state. $4.8 million they saved in just one short year. The main savings, as it turned out, was from a decrease in overtime hours. Plus, I bet people are more efficient not having to put down and pick projects back up day after day. The more contiguous hours worked, the more headway you can make. AND it's beneficial for the environment lowering energy and fuel usage.

I say California should try it. We have even more things to enjoy outside of work than Utah :) ... [enter angry Utah native argument here] so more free time during the day would be enviable.

The point of the story is that good things sometimes come from thinking outside the box. I love when people take risks, break away from the norm, try new things... and then find that they are successful.

Doing things that worked for those before us will only get us as far as them.

Back in the Day

Suffering from a feeble memory, I remember very few things from my formative years. I like to think that the things I do remember are remembered for a reason, because they are important, and that's why I still keep them with me to this day.

Here are the few that stand out:

1. NEON, specifically, wearing sunglasses just like these:









Thank you Saved by the Bell.

2. Being embarassed by anything my mother did. Which is why I thought it was hillarious, not only that this picture below captured that feeling, but that Yahoo actually used it as a part of their marketing spiel.

Here he is, the happiest camper:

Maybe its his grandmother. He still looks mortified.

3. Getting caught for doing stupid things, and then doing even stupider things to get into more trouble. Case in point: My mom always had strawberries plants in our backyard growing up. I used to get in trouble for picking them before they were ripe...

So my clever idea was to eat them off the stem without actually picking them. Genius. She'll never notice 18 half eaten green strawberries.

I also consequently learned at a young age that rules are all just wording. There's always a way around them. Maybe I missed my calling as a lawyer??

4. Our dog Taffy who's main life activities included pooping in the house, jumping up on every guest, and eating all the trash. He was the best.

And that about sums it up. I remember wearing ridiculous things because I thought they were cool, being embarassed by parents because I thought they were uncool, trying to be clever and thinking I knew it all, and putting crappy things on an undeserved pedestal just because I loved them.

Not much has changed, and I'm okay with that :)

Trimmers in the Night

For my Friday installment of 'In the News' I bring you: The perils of palm trimming.

http://cbs2.com/local/Tree.Trimmer.Stuck.2.1235761.html

As I was awaiting the preparation of my boss' mocha in the cafe, I turn to the TV to see

BREAKING NEWS

A man, trimming a tree, got stuck. Really? Did I just waste 27 seconds of my life reading that headline and watching the live rescue? How is that breaking news? Just because they have live feed? Guess the firefighters needed some positive PR.

Standard.

The real reason I bring up this story is ponder the fact that palm trees are trimmed. A visitor from Georgia once asked me how come some palm trees have "beards"

and some are "clean shaven"...



















I've been living in Southern Cali for 25 years and I've never once thought about that. Since then, I have noticed it all around the city. I have not once, however, seen a person in the trees trimming them. Considering there is a palm tree on nearly every street here, I found that odd.

My only suggestion is that there is a little tree trimming bandit who operates by night. Like the Santa Claus of the garden world. Thankfully, the news dispelled that notion. :)

Shortcutting and Risktaking

I had a can of soda. It was warm. I am impatient. I put it in the freezer.

About 20 minutes later I thought of going to get it. I was really thirsty, this soda was sounding more refreshing by the minute ... but I finally decided I thought it could use a little more time to chill to perfection.

I forgot about it. Of course, I forgot about it.

Two and a half hours later, I think to myself. Geez, I just drank that soda, how am I still so thirsty?!..."THE SODA!!!!"... I run into the kitchen. WHEW. It hadn't exploded yet, and to my pleasant surprise, was a few degrees away from being rock solid. I bring it back to my desk. I wait 5 minutes. I eyeball it. .. Maybe it's ready ... no, not yet....

I wait 2 minutes... ... ... then, I attempt to open it.

It sprays and spills everywhere. My computer's mouse is swimming in a puddle of fizzy lemon lime delight.

Couldn't say I was surprised. Back to the kitchen to grab some paper towels. I clean it up. I go to take a sip, the remaining soda in the can is frozen solid. Back to square one. I am so thirsty.

... ... ... ... ... ... .. .. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Why do people (clearly myself included) do things when they can already forsee the outcome? Maybe we tell ourselves, just maybe, it won't happen just the way we've experienced it in the past. Maybe this time will be different? It never is. We're all just searching for excuses to give in to temptation and do as we please without feeling guilt or remorse. Oh well, life certainly wouldn't be as exciting without a little risk-taking every now and again.

Live it up. Do as you please. I say, go out and take risks. Just make sure you take the right ones.

Audrey - 0
Soda Can - 1

Things We Can Learn From Kids

1. Kids can sleep anywhere, anytime. It's awesome. Imagine how much sleep you'd catch up on and how much time you'd save taking power naps throughout your day. 16 minute carpool to work. Out. 3 minutes of TV commercials (for those who still actually watch live TV). Snoring. Waiting for your wife to finish getting ready. 26 minutes to dream of baseball. 59 minutes in board meetings. You get the idea...

2. Kids run EVERYWHERE. Not only is this more efficient in that it transports you to your destination much quicker, but it also saves you time at bothering with the 20 minute jog you were about to take before or after work. If the typical person ran everywhere, not only would they have tons more fun, I'm sure it would add up to miles. Less time next to uncle sweaty on the treadmill and more time with Mr.-whatever-you-do-in-your-free-time.

3. Kids can have fun doing anything. Being from California, I find myself at the beach or pool often, but I can only seem to last 1 - 2 hours before getting bored and going inside to do something else. Now I wonder what the heck I did for 9 hours at the beach when I was 10.... sandcastles....boogie boards... chasing seagulls... staring at the lifeguar... wait, no... Kids make up games, create fake friends, meet new friends ... they play with seaweed. Imaginations at wild.

4. Kids keep it real when it comes to food. Check out the kids menu at any restaurant. Hamburgers, french fries, cheese pizza, mac'n'cheese, bean burritos, some kind of animal-shaped chicken piece, spaghetti, and sometimes even peanut butter jelly sandies. Tell me what on that list you wouldn't eat? It's almost like kids broke it down to the lifetime basics and decided to just eat from there. Keeps the grocery list short, and makes things so much easier. Not to mention, kids could eat the same thing 8 meals in a row. Look at them little creatures of habit applying the concept of the assembly line to intake of their food! Again, so efficient.

5. Kids are honest. Brutally honest. Ask any mother and they have at least 1 story about the time their kids called someone out for being fat, disabled, ugly, smelly, having yellow teeth... Kids tell it like it is. No filter. The absolute purest of thoughts.

6. Kids are not afraid to get dirty. Jumping in puddles, playing with frogs, grass stains, dust, grease, bugs... Nothing to be afraid of, it all washes off. Ask a grown man when the last time was that he played in the mud. If he can even remember....

7. Kids get excited. Somewhere deep in the text of the manual of life, there is something that tells us that grown ups should tone down their emotions. What happens to the marvel? Tell me that a little part inside of you doesn't stop for a split second to think how much loose change you have handy when you hear the ice cream truck driving down the street... of course, then you decide against running outside for the sole fact that you would be the only one above 4'2" out there... but really, who would care?

The point of the matter is, adults are jaded. They give up, lose energy, get stuck in the grind, complain. They care what others think and let it rule their actions and reactions. I say, life is too short to not live as you want to.

Lucky charms and french fries for dinner.

Divorce, Grouper, and Cold Beer

Another installment of In the News! I found this little gem of a story:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090924/ap_on_go_ot/us_divorce_american_style

Wayne County, FL has topped the list for highest divorce rate. Here is their new slogan:

"We don't have that many people in the county, but evidently they get around."

Something to be proud of.

"A guy sitting next to Mortimer at the Ocean View bar finished his martini in a plastic cup. His chuckle nearly drowned out the Creedence Clearwater Revival song playing on the radio."

That quote was just for fun :)... and to point out that this entire story is based on an interview that someone conducted at a bar that serves drinks out of plastic cups. How do I get that job? (Ironically, the author's last name is Lush). More evidence to fuel my anti-media bonfire.

Back to relationships.

I think what it all really comes down to is that most people are not satisfied, or even ashamed, of their true selves so they try to fool new mates into thinking they are someone or something else. Then, months or years later, they are tired of pretending to be someone else, stop hitting the gym, the honeymoon phase is long gone, and the two don't even flinch when the other farts.

Ahhh the fart. The fart is the tell tale sign that your relationship has either reached the point of complete comfort, that the two of you truly are one soul in two bodies, and you can do no wrong...

...or a sign the two of you have already gone this long bitching to your friends about their stupidity, maybe you've cheated, and you've definitely hit the point of comfort where dragging this relationship on is just a toe nail sliver better than the agony of breaking up and starting the love game all over again with someone new. Eventually, these relationships end. One way or another, sometimes in divorce.

Human and society are slaves to the status quo. We are by nature pack animals. We observe, we aim to be accepted, and then we repeat what we observe. The same is true for any action, but especially the taboo topic of marriage and other tale-as-old-as-time institutions. Imagine being one of the first couples to get divorced in the 1950s. Bet those folks met a few hundred condescending glares. But, as time has shown, the more people that get divorced, the more common it becomes. Other people around you doing it takes the edge off the situation. That rush of relief, like seeing someone you know at a party full of strangers.

So maybe this is the case for poor Wayne County, FL, where people enjoy a "lifestyle so laid-back that every day is like a Jimmy Buffett lyric"... People are not ashamed of divorce because everyone else is doing it too. Or maybe there are simply too many temptations of attractive people living there that the residents just can't choose who they want? There must be some sort of correlation between the amount of pretty people in a city and its divorce rate. Who knows.

Well, here comes the "expert" testimony on the matter:

"It just doesn't make all that much sense," said Michael Jackson, an associate professor of psychology at Earlham College, a private university in Richmond. "We find it really questionable. It just sounds funny."

Bingo. Just the explanatory response I was hoping for. I'm glad that this Psych professor thinks it's funny. You could really apply his sentiments to anything. Brilliant reporting work. It's all about the context.

Moral of the story: Be yourself. Always. You'll want someone that loves you for you, not who you are pretending to be. Bring back the sanctity of marriage. It's a beautiful thing.